Welcome to the Birth of Clarity newsletter on Substack.
I’ve got a wonderful son. I’m very lucky! We have some great little chats when it’s just the two of us. Usually, when we’re out walking the dog together, we start talking about anything that is on our minds. It’s great.
My son knows I don’t drink alcohol, and it is sometimes a topic of conversation because he sees his mother have the odd glass of wine. She’s not a big drinker at all, but sometimes has a little wine with dinner.
The other day, on one of our walk and talks, my son asked me why I didn’t drink. Now, we’ve discussed this before, but I’ve never actually said the words “because I had a problem.” Well, I don’t know why, but this time I decided to say those exact words to him. I’ve always prided myself on being honest with him, when suitable, and this particular time called for me to say it.
Once the words left my mouth, all of the memories flooded back to me. I’m not exaggerating. I saw so many moments of me at my lowest. All the times I put myself in danger, all of the times I woke up with a horrendous hangover, all the times I wanted to end it all, and when I looked at his face, in that moment, I knew that being sober was the best decision I had ever made.
So, I told him I had a problem with alcohol and that it wasn’t good for me to drink it. And do you know what he said to me? “I’m glad you don’t drink alcohol, Dad. I love you the way you are.”
Obviously, he never saw me drinking, and he was likely to say something like that, but it still meant a lot to me. I know that the decision not to drink anymore has been as beneficial to him as it has been for me. I can’t imagine what kind of parent I would have been if I were still drinking. Actually, scrap that… I know exactly what kind of parent I would have been. One that was always trying to repair the damage my drinking had done, but trying to do that whilst still drinking. I know that cycle! I’ve experienced it.
I only need to think back to the early days of my marriage to realise that cycle. Drink too much, piss off my wife somehow, wake up feeling guilty, full of shame and remorse, promise never to do it again and then get drunk and do it again. I.e. The Shame Cycle! Something painful for everyone involved and an area of drinking that’s maybe not spoken about enough.
I can think back further than the start of my marriage and recognise the shame cycles I’ve been in. They were ever-present throughout my drinking career. And if no one else was involved, the cycle directly affected me, and I can’t begin to describe the amount of damage they did.
Because I had a problem!
It’s crazy to think now about how much control alcohol had over my life. But then I realise, it wasn’t necessarily the substance, but rather, the way it made me feel. My addiction was to the escape. My addiction was to feeding my depression. My addiction was to chasing the next drunken escapade. My addiction was to be someone else. But these things aren’t needed anymore. Maybe that’s why sobriety has stuck this time around, I don’t know. I still have my vices, which I know have replaced some of these to a lesser extent, but nothing like they were.
I now have better tools to deal with my problems, and I get to choose whether to use them. Before, I felt totally lost, and the way I dealt with the darkness was to drunkenly dive into it. Now, although I sometimes feel lost, I know that alcohol isn’t the answer. And I know I’m on the right path because my son loves me for who I am. I am not a drunken father who has no time for his child; I’m a present Dad who isn’t using alcohol anymore to escape. I’m not forever stuck in shame cycles. I’m not having to apologise for things I can’t actually remember doing. Not drinking has allowed me to be present and accountable for the first time in my life. It’s sometimes scary, but as a father, it’s well worth it.
Brokenness
I wrote a piece a while ago, but since I’ve mentioned shame cycles a few times above, I thought I’d conclude this post with a short excerpt from it.
“Our brokenness has the power to awaken addiction within us and bring it to the surface, whilst burying itself deep inside and blinding us from the inner work that needs to be done.”
- Birth of Clarity
This is the reality most people face when battling addiction.
The trauma/pain, which has formed our “brokenness”, needs to be dealt with properly, but the manifestation of addiction as a coping mechanism stops us from doing that.
The cycle of our brokenness rearing its ugly head via triggers, followed by our addiction kicking in via action, followed by the remorse of indulging in the addiction via feelings of shame, is one that so many people are stuck on.
This was the shame cycle/addiction merry-go-round I was once stuck on, and I hated it!
I’ve heard this cycle described by a man who was looking to kick his porn addiction. He said that he felt the urge to watch pornography after something triggered his brokenness within.
He then acted upon this strong temptation and felt shame after using it.
It took him years to break the cycle. But he did.
I guess to end this post, I should say that if you’re struggling to quit alcohol, there are many things you can do. The simplest being, don’t pick up the first drink.
However, our addictions stem from different things, and often we need to find out why we’re using the substance in the first place in order to stop using it. Often, a goal, like not drinking because you’ve become a Dad, isn’t enough; other times, and for other people, it is. It depends. There is no golden rule to overcoming addictions, but there is some helpful advice out there. I’ve lived it, and hopefully, this and some of my articles have helped some of you out there. I really do hope so!
I’ve linked to other articles touching on this theme. Please check them out and let me know what you think.
Thank you for reading: “‘Because I Had a Problem!’”
Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:
Please check out the last post: “Don’t Make My Mistakes: The Power of Passions, Skills and Knowledge.”
And 💜 and Restack this post on the Substack app.
Take care,
Roscoe | Birth of Clarity
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Awesome post Roscoe
Dear Roscoe,
Thanks for sharing. I'm a former addict, it's a couple of years now since I first decided to stop in April of 2020. You can check out my posts if you care to read and support me.
No more devastation ☠️
Sincerely,
Horseman