I'm in Need of a Total Reset... But How?
Birth of Clarity #53
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It’s been a while since I sat down to write anything. To be honest, it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve even thought about putting words to a page. My thoughts have been so far removed from writing, so preoccupied, that this feels a little foreign to me.
Anyway, these extended breaks from writing always coincide with me starting a new job. Apparently, I’m not very good at sticking to things I enjoy when I begin a new “career”. As long-time followers will probably notice, I’ve not posted any pics from my early morning walks and swims for MONTHS- that’s because I’ve not been walking or swimming for months.
I’ve fallen into the same trap AGAIN. One I’ve sworn numerous times I’d never fall into again. I bet, somewhere in the archives, I’ve probably even vowed I’d never stop writing or looking after myself because of a new job! Alas, here we are again - fatter, stressed, depressed and probably about to make the same damn vow…!
When I start a new job, I find that it becomes my whole world. I forget about all the previous things I enjoyed, things that kept me healthy and sane. And I solely focus on my new career path. Yes, it’s good to put effort into a new role - and for me, a new industry - and to do the best you can to learn the job inside out. But for me, this always seems to come at a price. I always seem to allow myself to become alienated from something(s) I previously found rewarding. I always seem to let it affect me in some way, usually to the detriment of my health and sanity.
And that’s what has happened again!
Sales
I’ve gotten so stressed that I’ve made myself sick. I’ve gotten so stressed that I’ve made myself worse at my job to the point where I can feel the noose tightening. I’ve gotten so stressed that I’ve made myself forget about the joys of life.
The funny thing is, I wouldn’t say my job is that stressful. It's a completely different industry for me, and it’s made me feel WAY out of my comfort zone. And instead of embracing the discomfort, rising to the challenge and fighting to succeed, I’ve only managed to let the discomfort negatively dictate my life.
Whereas my last job was writing, this job has me talking and selling - neither of which are strong points for me! And while I’ve tried to get better at it, I’ve allowed my old worries and fears to creep up and attack.
Speaking of old, this job has finally exposed something else I’ve worried about, my age! I’m finally starting to feel my age. I’m not young anymore.
For some reason, I thought being a little older than most of the office would be an advantage. I thought being a “wiser” head would work in my favour, but it has strangely proved my downfall.
The years of life experience over my younger colleagues obviously means I have certain knowledge they don’t, but as in my case, they’ve not been exposed to the trauma and bullshit I have. I’ve seen and experienced some things they haven’t, and I hope they won’t.
I’ve also developed, through extra years on this planet, some bad habits and unhealthy behaviours that I find hard to shake.
While my self-sabotaging tendencies have reared their ugly head.
Reset
The title of this article reflects my desire to reset my life… while acknowledging the fact, I don’t know how to go about it or if I even have the strength to!
Outside of having a son and getting sober, my life has been pretty mediocre, if I’m being honest. It’s sad to write, but it’s the truth. I know I’m my own worst enemy. I also know that I have to change. But I’m not sure if I can.
I’ve been doing the same damaging things for years and years now. I’ve retreated back into the same bad habits (aside from drinking) so many times. I’ve found myself engulfed in the same damaging work-life balance again and again and again. And still I haven’t learned.
I find myself making the same mistakes at work that I’m making in my personal life. It’s like a never-ending cycle. I’ve been doing the same shit for decades. They say stupidity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results. Well, call me stupid because I’ve been doing this same song and dance for YEARS.
Have I had some good times along the way? Of course. But that doesn’t mean I’m not sick and tired of ending up back at the same place every few years.
Vow?
This is where I normally, predictably, write a vow to myself not to fall into this trap again. I’d write a list of how I’m going to break out of the cage I’ve locked myself in. I’d give you some inspirational words of advice so you don’t make the same mistakes I have.
But I’m not going to this time.
I think it’s pretty self-explanatory. I’ve laid it out as it is. I’m sure you’re wiser than I and will avoid the trap.
As for me, I have a lot of work to do. That is evident.
Keeping my job is high on my list of priorities at the moment, but finding time to pursue the things I enjoy is far and away at the top. It is the foundation on which I should’ve been building. Instead, I’ve been building upside down. AGAIN. And it’s gotten me the same results, AGAIN.
Will I ever learn? I hope so. Eventually. In the meantime, I know I’ve got some important things to focus on and resolve.
Getting this off my chest will certainly help. It always does. It’s just that I need to ride the wave of clarity for longer than I normally do. How do people commit to complete change for the rest of their lives? How do people turn things around when their life looks so bleak?
As I noted earlier, giving up alcohol has been one of my biggest ever accomplishments. The fact that I’ve been sober for over 7 years is a miracle to me. I guess that should highlight that significant changes in my life are possible, but for some reason, I cannot ever make these other things stick. I got healthy over the winter period with my walks and swims, but I let those habits go as soon as I started my new job. I gave up writing as soon as I started this new job. The only thing that has remained is my sobriety, showing up for my son and reading. I’ve successfully been keeping up with my book intake, and I look set for my best ever amount of books read.
That’s it, though. My sobriety, the number of books I’ve read so far this year and the fact I haven’t lost my job, yet. I’ve also played more football (soccer) with my son this year, but even that has succumbed to the heat of the summer.
Basically, this is a plea to myself to FINALLY make the changes necessary in order to live the life I want. One that’s free from FEAR, STRESS and ANGER. One that’s PRODUCTIVE, MEANINGFUL and FULFILLING. One that steers clear of the same trappings I seem to fall prey to year after year. One where I learn from my mistakes and plot a course to happiness. One where I actually DEAL WITH the unresolved issues from my drinking days and the loss of my mum. One where I step up as a parent and provide a solid foundation on which my son can grow.
Jota
As a quick aside, I just wanted to reference the death of Liverpool player Diogo Jota. This has affected me more than I thought. I didn’t know him personally, but his death came as a shock. He was only 28. He had a wife and three young children. Parents who loved him and his brother. It’s heartbreaking. I cannot stop thinking about all the time his kids must have been waiting for him to come through the door after a game, and now that will never happen. I watched him play for so many years. I saw his smile and the way he interacted with his teammates, and it breaks my heart to think he won’t be playing again. Not sure why it hit me so hard, but it did. RIP Diogo.
Thank you
I’m not sure what I hope to accomplish with this post. Hopefully, something resonates with someone and inspires them to make changes to their own life… and stick to them! I guess that by sitting down to write, I’ve exercised that demon. I’ve got that monkey of my back, so to speak. Now I hope to kick on and make the positive changes to my life that I know I can - and sustain them - because I don’t want to be writing this kind of thing again.
I have to say, I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed putting out my words for people to read. I’ve missed allowing my thoughts spill out onto a page. I know I’ve lost a huge amount of my “audience” due to these extended breaks over the years, but I’ve also retained some awesome people since I began writing back in 2019. I guess my one hope from this article is that someone messages to tell me to get back on the horse and keep going. Keep showing up. Keep writing. Start making healthier choices. Start looking after your body and mind. Start being the father you know you can. Or maybe I just needed to write this for me today. Either way, it has been nice.
I appreciate all of you who have stuck with me over the years, and to those who have recently joined me. My writing isn’t always like this… or maybe it is… One thing is for certain; this is me. From the heart. Raw. Flawed. Looking for consistency. Looking for happiness. Searching for joy. Sober. Father. Husband. Old! Trying to live in the moment and stop living in fear. I’m a work in progress. Thank you for following my journey.
If anything in this article resonated with you or you have any questions, then I would LOVE to hear from you:
Thank you for reading: “I'm in Need of a Total Reset... But How?”
Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:
Please check out the last post: “Watching Porn Can Make You Go Blind!”
And 💜 and Restack this post on the Substack app.
Take care,
Roscoe | Birth of Clarity
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Great post. I can relate to what you are going through at the moment. A lot of change, work and next steps in my career have taken up a big chunk of life at present. I need a reset too!