I speak of the ‘devil within’, not in a biblical sense, although it’s fine to interpret it as such, but rather from a self-sabotage, self-destruction perspective.

So many times, life appears to be going well, and then the devil emerges from within and destroys it. Sometimes it takes a piece, and sometimes it takes it all. It happens time and time again. It feels like whenever you’re getting ahead, your inner demon decides it’s time to act.

It’s a pattern you recognise, yet still can’t seem to do anything about. It’s like your mind or some inner part of you deems happiness, stability and strength as unredeemable features and strikes them down.

You make false progress. You are given false hope. You think that everything has changed, and you've overcome your demons. But the devil always has a way of reminding you he’s still there. Waiting patiently. Sometimes dormant for years.

Ready to strike.

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The devil within hits quickly. Sometimes without warning. Sometimes with. Sometimes you think you’re prepared…then you’re left on your back, wondering what happened! You beat yourself up because it happened again. Yet, you know that you’re powerless to stop it unless you evoke a major change… even then, it’s difficult to keep the devil at bay. Because he takes so many forms.

When you think you’ve destroyed your demons in one area, they reappear somewhere else. Causing more chaos. And you almost feel like “what’s the fucking point!”

Every time you try, you fail. So, you keep thinking, “what’s the fucking point!” You feel defeated, but then you think… I’ve seen, with my own eyes, people who have overcome their demons. The devil within them seems to have been defeated. Yes, that might be their public show… but you still want it. You want what they have. So, what’s stopping you from getting it? What’s stopping you from achieving your dream of defeating the devil within?

You.

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It’s that simple, really. Isn’t it?

You are the one allowing the devil to stop you in your tracks. From relapsing back into the same destructive habits you become accustomed to. You are the one who has the power to kick the devil’s butt and be proud of the fact that you’re building a life worth living.

Because at the moment, you’re not proud. You feel ashamed that constantly dancing with the devil is destroying your self-worth and self-respect. You’re suffering at the hands of the devil, and they’re your hands!!

All those self-improvement articles and videos you watch today will never beat consistent action and discipline. Simple. It’s about showing up every day with the same attitude.

I WILL NOT LET THE DEVIL WITHIN DESTROY ME TODAY.

He’s a sneaky fucker. He will live in those words. He will distort them and twist them. He will use them against you. He will wait until you’re weak. He’s waiting until you’re worried. He’s waiting until you’ve switched off, and then he’ll attack. Somehow, someway, you have to be ready… at all times. It’s going to be tiring. It’s going to be difficult. But growth happens in pain. It’s something you have to do to defeat the devil within and regain your life.

You know that you’re someone who has this devil within you, and you know how you feel when he wins. It feels like a part of you dies every time… and you’re wondering how many parts are left. How are you still here?

You’re here because you have some fight left in you. Maybe there’s something or someone to fight for. If that’s the case, then it’s time for you to really FIGHT!

You can’t give up. You have to keep going. You have to show up.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

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Thank you for reading: “T.h.e. D.e.v.i.l. W.i.t.h.i.n.”

Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:

• Comfort in the Chaos

• Inner Angels vs Manifested Demons

• Addiction Recovery: A Battle for Your Soul

Please check out the last post: “War Within: Awareness.”

And 💜 and Restack this post on the Substack app.

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Roscoe | Birth of Clarity

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This piece is part of moving the AFFathers archive over to Birth of Clarity. I’ve updated it and added some new reflections.

I’ve spoken about this before, but there’s a myth around sobriety that once the drinking stops, life begins to behave the way you want it to.

It doesn’t.

One of the hardest parts of being a dad in sobriety has been learning how to exist inside a family dynamic without the buffer I once relied on to take the edge off.

I imagine I’m not alone in this.

At the time of editing this post, I’m over eight years sober. Long enough that sobriety feels stable, but not so long that I’ve forgotten what life used to feel like. My son is nearly ten. He’s only ever known this version of me.

I’m the one who shows up clear-headed. The one who remembers. The one who doesn’t go missing.

That still matters to me more than anything.

I remember early sobriety and how raw everything was. My feelings weren’t dulled anymore. However, they were exposed.

Family gatherings felt louder. Old patterns resurfaced. Triggers arrived without warning. The difference was that I couldn’t escape them anymore. I had to sit with them.

And I didn’t always handle it well. But I stayed sober.

That became the line I wouldn’t cross.

The first real clarity sobriety gave me was simple and uncomfortable:

Sobriety comes first or nothing else lasts.

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Putting sobriety first means disappointing people. Leaving parties early. Saying no without explanation. Accepting that some boundaries won’t be understood and learning that it doesn’t matter.

I learned that keeping the peace isn’t the same as being honest and honesty is the only thing sobriety will tolerate long-term.

Despite being sober, communication didn’t suddenly improve but it did become more real.

I had to say what I meant without dressing it up and then listen without rehearsing my defence. I had to accept that my addiction didn’t exist in isolation. It affected the people around me and there was no way of pretending it didn’t anymore.

Rebuilding trust became a repetition. It involved showing up, following through and letting actions speak where apologies had run out of road.

Some days looked small.

Sitting on the sofa while my son talked about something I didn’t fully understand, fighting the urge to drift off into my own head. Staying present instead of checking out. Listening properly.

It doesn’t sound like much. But for me, it was everything.

Sobriety wasn’t a reset. It didn’t erase the past or fast-track forgiveness. It offered something quieter: the chance to meet reality without running from it.

To approach strained relationships with patience instead of expectation.

Boundaries became structure, not walls.

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Deciding what I would tolerate - and what I wouldn’t - gave shape to relationships that once felt chaotic. Holding those boundaries was uncomfortable. Sometimes lonely. But clarity often is.

AA helped me early on, not because it fixed things, but because the people in the rooms helped me see the patterns of my drinking which I couldn’t.

Asking for help didn’t weaken my sobriety. It steadied it.

Now, over eight years in, I don’t think of sobriety as something I achieved. I think of it as something I maintain.

Quietly. Imperfectly. Every day.

Family dynamics are still complicated. They probably always will be. But there’s less noise now. Less running. Less pretending.

And when things do feel off - when I’m frustrated, distant or not quite right - I come back to the same place:

Stay sober. Stay present. Don’t disappear.

Not every day feels meaningful. Some feel flat. Some feel heavy. Some feel like nothing is really changing at all.

But I’ve learned that progress in this life rarely announces itself.

It builds in the background. In the days you don’t drink. In the moments you stay. In the conversations you don’t avoid.

So if you’re in it right now - early days, hard days, or the kind that feel strangely quiet - keep going.

Not because it suddenly becomes easy.

But because this - showing up, staying sober, being there for your kids even when it’s uncomfortable - is the work.

And it’s worth it.

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Thank you for reading: “Sober Fathers: Keep Going.”

Take care of yourself and your family,

Roscoe | Alcohol Free Fathers

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Please check out the last post: Self-Care in Sobriety: More Than Just ‘Pampering’.

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Your habits are becoming you.

That’s the part no one really warns you about.

Not the dramatic fall. Not the rock bottom. Not the moment everything collapses.

It’s the slow merge.

The quiet shift where what you do stops being something you control and starts becoming something you are.

You tell yourself you’re just tired. Just stressed. Just dealing with a lot right now.

So you scroll a little longer. Drink a little more. Avoid a little longer.

Nothing extreme. Nothing alarming.

That’s how it starts.

Not with chaos, but with comfort.

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You’re not lost. But you are avoiding.

There’s a difference.

Being lost means you don’t know where to go. Avoiding means you just don’t want to face what it takes to get there.

So you stay in the middle.

Not failing badly enough to change. Not growing enough to feel proud.

Just existing in a space that slowly drains you.

Comfort is killing you slowly.

Not loudly. Not violently.

Quietly.

It convinces you that you’re okay where you are. That you can deal with things later. That one more day won’t matter.

But those days stack.

And one day, you look up and realise you didn’t fall…

You drifted.

I’ve seen this happen in real life with a guy I used to work with.

He was just good at everything.

He was good at his job. Sharp and reliable. He was the kind of person you could put in front of anyone and know he’d handle it. Proper people person. Customers liked him. Managers trusted him. He got on with all the staff, even the difficult ones. And he didn’t need to force it.

Outside of work, it was the same.

He always had plans. He was always around people. He was good with women, confident without trying too hard. The kind of guy you assume has things figured out.

And for a while, he did.

Then things started to slip slightly.

He’d come in more tired than usual. Still doing his job, still hitting targets… just not with the same energy.

He’d joke about late nights. He’d have a few more drinks than usual, he’d spend a couple more hours on the PlayStation, nothing major.

He’d say he’d sort himself out soon.

And because he was still performing, no one really questioned it.

That’s what made it hard to notice.

He was good enough to carry the decline.

But you could feel it if you paid attention.

He wasn’t fully there in conversations. Easily distracted. He always had his phone in his hand. His hygiene slipped. The nights out stopped being occasional and became routine. I know this because I was there for a lot of them! And nights in weren’t much different.

He’d still say the right things. And you believed him.

Because nothing had actually fallen apart. And I was too wrapped in my own issues to say anything, but I remember others saying nothing was really improving either.

It just hovered there… then slowly started dipping.

The habits that used to keep everything together started slipping, one by one.

Nothing dramatic. No big mistake.

Just small compromises stacking up.

Until the guy who seemed to have it all together… was just maintaining something he was quietly losing control of.

And I don’t think he ever noticed when it changed.

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Silence is where the truth waits

That’s why most people avoid it.

Because when everything goes quiet - no noise, no distractions, no dopamine hits - you’re left alone with what’s real.

And what’s real can be uncomfortable.

The thoughts you’ve been pushing away. The habits you’ve been justifying. The gap between who you are and who you know you could be.

You know better. You do it anyway.

That’s the conflict.

Not ignorance. Not lack of information.

And that’s where it starts to wear on you… because deep down, you can’t lie to yourself forever.

At some point, the truth sticks.

The problem isn’t new… you’ve just stopped ignoring it.

And that moment?

That’s where everything changes.

Not because your life suddenly improves.

But because you can’t go back to being unaware.

You’ve seen it now.

The patterns. The habits. The quiet compromises.

Awareness isn’t progress.

But it’s the beginning of it.

And most people never even get this far.

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Thank you for reading: “War Within: Awareness.”

Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:

• When Light Hides Shadows

• Addiction Recovery: A Battle for Your Soul

• Become a Warrior Against the Era of Temptation

Please check out the last post: “Spontaneous Post from an Inconsistent Writer.”

And 💜 and Restack this post on the Substack app.

Get more from Roscoe in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

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Roscoe | Birth of Clarity

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The liquid soothed him no more. It burned.

The aftertaste was sickening. Bile built up from the depths of his bowels.

He thought he might cry. Tears formed. His body hurt. His mind ached.

No more. He wanted no more.

But the hand had other ideas.

His mouth, forced open by fingers he recognised but could not place, filled with the poison.

No more, he begged.

The tattoo. He knew that tattoo.

Once again, the hand poured the bad-tasting brew into his gob.

It was his tattoo.

Why was he doing this to himself?

“I fucking hate you,” the mouth muttered.

It all made sense now.

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Roscoe | Rápido Reads

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I’m not a very good writer. I’m under no illusions there. But I do really enjoy it. That’s why I’ve continued with this newsletter for so long… even if the pain in my wrists and elbows grows worse every time I start typing!

Even if I’m not a bad writer. I’m definitely inconsistent! And I often wonder if my writing would’ve improved if I were more consistent. I guess the answer is simple! Sadly, I haven’t managed to write enough on a regular basis to find out.

I’ve actually been on this platform since 2019. Way before all the cool kids came here. And my, how Substack has changed! Not necessarily for better or worse, it has just changed a lot in the 7 years I’ve been here.

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I’ve seen a lot of people come and go. Lots of writers have blown up then faded away. Others have stayed consistent and grown their audiences. Some have started and stopped before they gave it a real go.

Although my writing hasn’t been consistent, my audience has. I’ve been on the same number of subscribers for years. But when I say I enjoy writing, despite the pain it causes, I mean it. I may not have a big audience, but I love writing for them and for me when I actually sit down to do it, like I am today.

And these are probably my favourite articles. When I sit down out of nowhere and just start typing. There’s no specific reason for writing this right now, but I just really fancied doing it… so here we are!

I’ve been through so many different periods in my writing. From chasing subscriptions and wanting to do this full-time, to wanting to quit and never write again! I’ve launched different versions of this newsletter and started numerous new ones! But I think the sweet spot for me is simply just writing when I want. When I really have something to say or when I feel like sitting down to get something out of my head.

I’m pretty sure either wrote an article or “Note” about a similar topic recently, but I feel like I am not the sort of person destined to write for money. I’ve never been good at promoting myself and I’m not structured or consistent enough for any sort of subscription-based model. I am better off when I just write because I enjoy it or when I feel something I say will help someone.

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Thinking back to all the changes since 2019, I have to say… I don’t care for this algorithm-driven world. I mean, how are some of the utter nonsense notes I see on Substack getting 5k+ likes! It also pains me to see some of my favourite writers clearly using AI to do their writing for them… although I have to admit, I’ve used AI for title suggestions and for artwork… so am I any better? Side Note: I quite like the AI artwork for some of my articles!

Anyway, I know I write about addiction and recovery a lot. However, I feel that’s one of my greatest achievements, so I like writing about it. I also know I write about my failures a lot, but I can’t help it! I honestly try to write to help others. And for me, being raw and human helps. Not everything is 100% positive and not everything can be 100% motivation. For me, when I read articles written in a similar vein, they resonate. I can feel people’s struggles and strengths through their words and I get something out of reading them.

So, while I enjoy writing for myself, I have to be honest and say that I still hope that the words I put down are things that people want to pick up. I hope that they enjoy what they’re reading. And maybe get something from my writing.

With that being said, I’m not sure what anyone is getting from this article! Haha! I just really wanted to write and apparently this is what I wanted to write about… whatever this is!

Should I be writing things with more substance? Probably. Do I regret writing this? Maybe a little. Am I going to hit send? Yes!

I encourage anyone to start writing. Whether that’s to get famous and earn loads of money, to help people overcome their struggles or simply just to sit down and write something for yourself. Writing will never not be a good idea!

Thank you for reading and much love to you all.

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Thank you for reading: “Spontaneous Post from an Inconsistent Writer.”

Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:

• Writing Legacy

• Maybe I’m Having A Midlife Crisis?

• I’m in Need of a Total Reset... But How?

Please check out the last post: “Part 1: When the Numbing Stops but the Noise Remains.”

And 💜 and Restack this post on the Substack app.

Get more from Roscoe in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

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Roscoe | Birth of Clarity

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People often say quitting alcohol is the hardest part.

And for many, it absolutely is.

Withdrawal. Cravings. White-knuckling your way through days you never thought you’d survive. Learning how to exist without the thing you used to lean on. That struggle is real and it definitely deserves respect.

But there’s another hard part that doesn’t get talked about as much.

The part that comes after. When the numbing stops and you’re left alone with the noise you spent years trying to silence.

Sobriety is often sold as a miracle cure. Remove the substance and clarity arrives. Life opens up. Freedom follows.

Sometimes it does.

Especially in the early days, when simply staying sober feels like a full-time job and every clear morning feels like a small miracle.

Then comes the pink cloud. Hope returns. Energy lifts. You start to believe you’ve cracked it.

But the pink cloud doesn’t last forever.

Eventually, sobriety stops feeling new. The adrenaline fades. Life resumes. And for many of us, that’s when sobriety begins to feel a little more raw again.

The numbing is gone.

But the noise remains.

Restlessness. Irritability. That simmering dissatisfaction you can’t explain without sounding ungrateful. A quiet sense that something is off, even when everything looks fine from the outside.

Alcohol didn’t create those feelings. However, it did manage them… Poorly! Destructively!

But effectively enough to keep us functioning. Enough to get through the day. Enough to avoid asking harder questions.

Being alcohol-free means you’re finally alone with yourself.

There’s nowhere to hide when boredom hits. No shortcut when emotions get too much. And no familiar ritual to switch your mind off at the end of the day.

Sobriety takes away the escape. And rather than softening life, it sharpens it. Pain relief replaced by pain confrontation.

Sobriety removes the anaesthetic.

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This is the part that rarely gets talked about. The moment you realise the drink wasn’t the problem but rather, it was the solution.

A flawed one. A damaging one. But a solution nonetheless.

And when it’s gone, you’re left holding the raw material of your inner life for the first time.

For some, this is where relapse starts to whisper. When going back feels less like failure and more like relief. When the question quietly forms: Is this really better?

Well my answer is; Yes! After nearly 8 years of sobriety, I know that ditching the drink was still the right choice.

We put decades of effort into our drinking careers. We practised avoidance daily. We refined our escapes. The idea that sobriety would require continued effort shouldn’t surprise us.

Sobriety isn’t the finish line. I said this so many times, but it’s so true. Sobriety is just the beginning. It’s the doorway.

It’s an invitation to do the deeper work. To learn how to sit with boredom. To feel without escape. To build a life that doesn’t require numbing in the first place.

And this is where I want to speak to those of us further down the road.

I’ve been sober for 2879 days at the time of writing this. I haven’t relapsed. I haven’t imploded.

I’ve just… stalled.

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Somewhere along the way, my growth has slowed and complacency has crept in quietly. Life has become manageable but muted. Not because sobriety failed but because I’ve stopped showing up for the work it quietly asks of us.

So this is me recommitting. To discomfort. To curiosity. To listening to the noise instead of trying to silence it.

There’s more to life. There’s more growth. There’s more available than what I’m currently experiencing in sobriety. I know that.

If you’re early in sobriety and struggling, you’re not doing it wrong.

If the pink cloud has faded and things feel harder than you expected, you’re not alone.

And if you’re years in and wondering why life feels stagnant despite “doing everything right”, then maybe this isn’t the end of the road…

Just another beginning!

What did sobriety reveal for you once the numbing stopped?

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Thank you for reading: “Part 1: When the Numbing Stops but the Noise Remains.”

Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:

• Alcohol and that Dreaded Word

• Self-Medicating Doesn’t Soothe

• Resident of a Town Called Self-Loathing

Please check out the last post: “How Will 2026 Be Any Different?”

And 💜 and Restack this post on the Substack app.

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Roscoe | Birth of Clarity

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Every year ends with the same ritual. Making promises under your breath, quietly, as if you already know you won’t keep them.

You dress up your reflections as honest reviews. Any regrets are softened by nostalgia. It’s just the way it is.

You say that “next year will be different” with more hope than expectation. Because you’ve realised by now that you need to be asking “how?”… How will next year be any different when history dictates that things will pretty much stay the same?

Obviously, this might not be true for everyone. Some people are able to make sweeping changes to their lives and make good habits stick. Which is awesome! So I can only speak for myself when I say, every new year I promise myself change, but it rarely arrives. If I do follow through and deliver on my promises, I’m often not consistent enough for habits to become the norm.

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Take the above image as an example. I stopped exercising when work got stressful. I slipped back into bad habits with my phone, although to be fair, not too bad. I stopped questioning or researching anything independently and just did the basics in terms of getting by day-to-day. I didn’t read as much or publish enough.

It made me realise that we cannot rely on hope alone in the future because it’s driven by behaviour. And behaviour rarely changes without friction. Without loss. Without letting go of an identity that once felt safe.

We like the idea of change. We often don’t like the cost of it. Or we’re simply scared of it.

A different year requires different mornings. Different reactions. Different boundaries. It requires saying no where we used to cave, staying when we used to escape and acting before we feel ready.

However, the reality is that a lot of us are consumed by fear.

Fear of change. Fear of discomfort. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown.

Having been crippled by fear for a long time now, whereas a New Year for most is a time of excitement and optimism, it feels overwhelming and has a wave of inevitability for me. But I know I need to shake this at some point because I’m not getting any younger! I only have so many years left on this planet. I have got to stop wasting them with worry.

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If 2026 arrives and nothing about my habits, thinking or tolerance for discomfort has changed, it won’t be a new year. It will be a continuation. Proof that awareness alone doesn’t transform anything. Action and discipline do.

I’m not saying all is lost for me. I will continue to fight. But I want it to be different for you. I want you to smash it in 2026. Just remember, the future isn’t coming to save you. It’s coming to reveal whether you meant what you said.

It’s about action. Doing the things you said you were going to do to better yourself next year. It’s about discipline. Sticking to things you want to change.

I know you can do this.

Will you live up to your promises? Will 2026 be any different?

I guess only time will tell. The clock is ticking.

Good luck and have a happy New Year.

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Thank you for reading: “How Will 2026 Be Any Different?”

Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:

• I’m in Need of a Total Reset... But How?

• Don’t Make My Mistakes: The Power of Passions, Skills and Knowledge

• Goodbye 2024, Hello 2025: Escaping Digital Distractions and Embracing Natural Attractions

Please check out the last post: “When Light Hides Shadows.”

And 💜 and Restack this post on the Substack app.

Get more from Roscoe in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

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Roscoe | Birth of Clarity

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Lost in a chasm of content, the writer scribes and creates… but no one sees or hears them.

Buried under those with louder screams.

Frustrated. Invisible. Alone.

Until their moment arrives.

Unearthed by familiar friends, they rise like a Phoenix.

Their magnificent wings bound no more.

On show for the whole world to see.

Will they fly or fall?

Some remember the ashes from which they emerged - pulling others from the rubble and taking flight together.

They fly higher and higher. Rescuing more from the ‘Valley of Unseen Writers.’ Never forgetting the darkness under the scorched earth that held them captive for so long.

Others fly far away, soaring the skies, letting out high-pitched screeches for everyone to hear. Swooping to pick off weak and vulnerable prey, before falling victim to their own deafening noise and descending to the ground once again.

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Roscoe | Rápido Reads

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Many of us like to think we are good people. Maybe not perfect, but at least decent.

We tell ourselves we try, we mean well, we do our best. Yet somewhere in that quiet space between thought and action - between who we believe we are and who we actually show up as - something darker stirs. A whisper. A flicker. A reminder that light and darkness do not exist separately, but side by side, constantly trading places.

The fact is, many of us live split between the two.

I recently rewatched Season One of True Detective and the clip below, among others, inspired today’s post.

Many of us wake up wanting to be patient, kind, understanding. Then work, stress or a minor annoyance breaks the facade. Our smile fades, irritation bubbles to the surface, and before we know it, our words cut sharper than intended. Later, guilt sets in. We apologise, make promises, and convince ourselves we’ll do better next time.

But the next time always comes.

You can read more about this type of cycle here 👇

The truth is, many of us don’t outgrow our darkness; we just learn to hide it better. We refine our presentation, but unfortunately not our nature. We build an external version of ourselves that looks stable, moral and balanced, whilst we torture ourselves privately trying to control the chaos.

We adopt masks to function, protect, belong. I know I did when I was drinking. The longer I wore that mask, the more it began to define me. It became harder for me to tell which face was real.

Mirrors became my enemy.

Moral clichés

We divide life into binaries. Light and dark, good and evil, truth and lies. But that simplifies the human condition because we can argue the same heart that loves can also envy. The same hands that help can also harm.

We can also argue that our mistake is believing that one cancels the other out. That goodness erases the darkness within us. When really, for many, they just coexist. Humans can be kind and cruel, compassionate and selfish, loyal and deceitful… often all within the same day!

It’s hard for me to say “you need to eliminate the darkness” without confronting the fact that both have existed/ and to some extent still do exist within me simultaneously.

The more I denied the darkness, the stronger it grew. The more I clung to the light, the more fragile it became. Because light that refuses to acknowledge its own shadow is not light at all… It’s illusion.

In Blessed Are The Dead, former WWE wrestler, Killer Kross narrates the descent into self. “There is so much evil in this world,” he begins, and the words linger like a confession. Kross is always somewhat haunting and poetic in his delivery, but this video suggests that it’s the quiet, ordered madness within us that casts the illusion that light can exist without shadow.

“Order within darkness is an illusion,” he says. “That’s a trap.” And it is. Because every time we try to contain our darker impulses, to package them neatly under good intentions, they only grow stronger in the corners of the cage.

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“You used to be a good man”

This was the cutting observation delivered to Marty by his wife in True Detective.

Yet, like Marty, many of us imagine we are “good”. We imagine our “real” self is someone who behaves, who chooses correctly, who resists temptation. But maybe the real self is the one who struggles between both, again, like Marty. The one caught in the pull of two directions, trying to make sense of them.

A good cop, a family man, lost to temptation and lust, battling demons in real life and within.

For some of us, there is a strange comfort in acknowledging our inner split. Or maybe not comfort exactly, more like curiosity. We are often curious which one will prevail.

Every day we wake up and negotiate the same opposing forces. The ego wants power, validation, control. The soul wants humility, connection, peace. Both believe they are right. Both can justify their desires with reason.

The need to be seen as good, the hunger to be admired, the self-righteousness that masquerades as integrity are all shadows cast by our own light.

The fight isn’t only against the ugly parts of ourselves, it’s against the seductive parts, too. The ones that feel noble but still come from ego.

You adjust at work, with friends, with family. You present fragments. Because the reality often is that the version of you that faces the world doesn’t always match the one that lives in your head. You show light where it’s expected and conceal darkness where it’s not.

Exhaustion and self-realisation

Eventually, this split becomes exhausting.

You start to wonder: who am I when no one’s watching? The version that preaches patience but loses his temper? The one who seeks meaning but scrolls endlessly? The one who loves deeply but withdraws when it matters most?

Yet, acknowledging the dual nature of your being doesn’t always lighten the load. In fact, it normally becomes heavier to carry.

You so desperately want to lean into the light, but you find comfort in the chaos. You know your light doesn’t guarantee virtue and your darkness doesn’t guarantee corruption, so any fight becomes exhausting and repetitive.

You may act from kindness and still cause harm.

You may act from fear and still create good.

Motives mix. Outcomes blur. Intentions backfire.

It’s humbling. It’s maddening. But it’s also what makes moral life real.

You may picture the phoenix rising from the ashes. Your redemption arc. You emerging from darkness and finally standing in the light. However, some may argue that perhaps redemption is not a place, but a process. A constant return.

You fall, you notice, you learn, you fall again.

You slip into anger, pride, envy… then, sometimes, you catch yourself. Not always in time, but often enough to remember you’re still trying.

That’s the work.

Not perfection. Not purity. Just persistence.

The light needs darkness to define itself. The darkness needs light to reveal what it hides. Neither can exist without the other. And so we live in the space between them.

A space where you’re never fully whole, never fully broken, but always in motion.

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Maybe that’s the quiet truth:

The battle between good and evil doesn’t happen out in the “real” world. It’s a battle within. Something I’ve said many times.

The battlefield is in the invisible moments when you decide whether to speak or stay silent, help or turn away tell the truth or twist it. Where every decision tips the scale, even slightly. And the scales never stop moving.

To keep showing up for the fight, even when you’re tired of yourself. To accept that there is no final victory, only moments of clarity amid the chaos.

Because maybe the light isn’t what saves us.

Maybe the lights shines to help us see how deep the darkness goes.

It can be painful, I know that’s the case for me, but it could be the closest thing to grace we’ll ever know.

What do you think?

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Thank you for reading: “When Light Hides Shadows.”

Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:

• Chaos And Clarity

• Painful Paradox And Moral Flexibility

• [Escape the Darkness] Fight for the Light and Step into Your Life

Please check out the last post: “‘Because I Had a Problem!’”

And 💜 and Restack this post on the Substack app.

Get more from Roscoe in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

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Roscoe | Birth of Clarity

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I’ve got a wonderful son. I’m very lucky! We have some great little chats when it’s just the two of us. Usually, when we’re out walking the dog together, we start talking about anything that is on our minds. It’s great.

My son knows I don’t drink alcohol, and it is sometimes a topic of conversation because he sees his mother have the odd glass of wine. She’s not a big drinker at all, but sometimes has a little wine with dinner.

The other day, on one of our walk and talks, my son asked me why I didn’t drink. Now, we’ve discussed this before, but I’ve never actually said the words “because I had a problem.” Well, I don’t know why, but this time I decided to say those exact words to him. I’ve always prided myself on being honest with him, when suitable, and this particular time called for me to say it.

Once the words left my mouth, all of the memories flooded back to me. I’m not exaggerating. I saw so many moments of me at my lowest. All the times I put myself in danger, all of the times I woke up with a horrendous hangover, all the times I wanted to end it all, and when I looked at his face, in that moment, I knew that being sober was the best decision I had ever made.

So, I told him I had a problem with alcohol and that it wasn’t good for me to drink it. And do you know what he said to me? “I’m glad you don’t drink alcohol, Dad. I love you the way you are.”

Obviously, he never saw me drinking, and he was likely to say something like that, but it still meant a lot to me. I know that the decision not to drink anymore has been as beneficial to him as it has been for me. I can’t imagine what kind of parent I would have been if I were still drinking. Actually, scrap that… I know exactly what kind of parent I would have been. One that was always trying to repair the damage my drinking had done, but trying to do that whilst still drinking. I know that cycle! I’ve experienced it.

I only need to think back to the early days of my marriage to realise that cycle. Drink too much, piss off my wife somehow, wake up feeling guilty, full of shame and remorse, promise never to do it again and then get drunk and do it again. I.e. The Shame Cycle! Something painful for everyone involved and an area of drinking that’s maybe not spoken about enough.

I can think back further than the start of my marriage and recognise the shame cycles I’ve been in. They were ever-present throughout my drinking career. And if no one else was involved, the cycle directly affected me, and I can’t begin to describe the amount of damage they did.

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Because I had a problem!

It’s crazy to think now about how much control alcohol had over my life. But then I realise, it wasn’t necessarily the substance, but rather, the way it made me feel. My addiction was to the escape. My addiction was to feeding my depression. My addiction was to chasing the next drunken escapade. My addiction was to be someone else. But these things aren’t needed anymore. Maybe that’s why sobriety has stuck this time around, I don’t know. I still have my vices, which I know have replaced some of these to a lesser extent, but nothing like they were.

I now have better tools to deal with my problems, and I get to choose whether to use them. Before, I felt totally lost, and the way I dealt with the darkness was to drunkenly dive into it. Now, although I sometimes feel lost, I know that alcohol isn’t the answer. And I know I’m on the right path because my son loves me for who I am. I am not a drunken father who has no time for his child; I’m a present Dad who isn’t using alcohol anymore to escape. I’m not forever stuck in shame cycles. I’m not having to apologise for things I can’t actually remember doing. Not drinking has allowed me to be present and accountable for the first time in my life. It’s sometimes scary, but as a father, it’s well worth it.

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Brokenness

I wrote a piece a while ago, but since I’ve mentioned shame cycles a few times above, I thought I’d conclude this post with a short excerpt from it.

This is the reality most people face when battling addiction.

The trauma/pain, which has formed our “brokenness”, needs to be dealt with properly, but the manifestation of addiction as a coping mechanism stops us from doing that.

The cycle of our brokenness rearing its ugly head via triggers, followed by our addiction kicking in via action, followed by the remorse of indulging in the addiction via feelings of shame, is one that so many people are stuck on.

This was the shame cycle/addiction merry-go-round I was once stuck on, and I hated it!

I’ve heard this cycle described by a man who was looking to kick his porn addiction. He said that he felt the urge to watch pornography after something triggered his brokenness within.

He then acted upon this strong temptation and felt shame after using it.

It took him years to break the cycle. But he did.

I guess to end this post, I should say that if you’re struggling to quit alcohol, there are many things you can do. The simplest being, don’t pick up the first drink.

However, our addictions stem from different things, and often we need to find out why we’re using the substance in the first place in order to stop using it. Often, a goal, like not drinking because you’ve become a Dad, isn’t enough; other times, and for other people, it is. It depends. There is no golden rule to overcoming addictions, but there is some helpful advice out there. I’ve lived it, and hopefully, this and some of my articles have helped some of you out there. I really do hope so!

I’ve linked to other articles touching on this theme. Please check them out and let me know what you think.

Leave a comment

Thank you for reading: “‘Because I Had a Problem!’”

Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:

• Sobriety Journey

• Flip Your Suicidal Mindset

• Addiction Whac-A-Mole: Extinguishing Fires Permanently

Please check out the last post: “Don’t Make My Mistakes: The Power of Passions, Skills and Knowledge.”

And 💜 and Restack this post on the Substack app.

Get more from Roscoe in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

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Roscoe | Birth of Clarity

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I don’t aspire to be famous.

Dreams of being a footballer died long ago!

I long to love and be loved.

To leave behind a legacy of joy and happiness with those I deeply cared for.

Shackled by an underutilised, unproductive and unfulfilling past.

I’m playing catch-up from a youth misspent.

Mistakes marred my 20s and 30s.

Traumas and scars. Hospitals and bars. It has all taken its toll.

But I have a second chance. To step up for my son.

To be the best father I can be.

I hope I can make him proud.

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Thanks for reading,

Roscoe | Rápido Reads

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This piece is part of moving the AFFathers archive over to Birth of Clarity. I’ve updated it, added new reflections, and—like my sobriety—it’s a work in progress.

When I first got sober, self-care sounded alien to me. It felt selfish. I had a family to show up for, work to keep, responsibilities stacked high. I had spent so many years selfishly drinking that the idea of carving out time for me felt wrong.

But I learned the hard way that ignoring myself was dangerous. Sobriety isn’t just about not drinking. It’s about rebuilding the body, quieting the mind, and learning how to live with yourself again. If you don’t take care of those things, the cracks start showing fast.

Time

In early sobriety, time feels heavy. Long evenings without drinking can sometimes feel endless. But setting aside even ten minutes for something intentional—such as reading, writing, or walking—can shift everything.

The key is not waiting until you’re burned out or triggered. It’s making time before the storm hits. Because if you don’t schedule yourself in, chaos fills the gap.

Body

Addiction thrashes the body. Sleep, food, exercise—they all get wrecked. I ignored this at first, telling myself I’d catch up “later.” But my recovery didn’t get stronger until I started treating my body better: moving daily, eating decent food, and actually resting.

The body and mind aren’t separate in sobriety. When your body is broken, your mind is next in line.

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Stress

Stress is the shadow that follows every father in recovery. Kids, work, bills, marriage—it piles up. For years, alcohol was how I handled stress. Without it, I needed something else.

Meditation, journaling, running—none of those erase stress, but they give it somewhere to go. They keep it from poisoning the well.

Worth

This one took me the longest to figure out. Self-care isn’t just about managing stress or fixing the body—it’s about remembering you’re worth the effort.

Addiction has a way of convincing you that you’re useless, that you don’t deserve better. But every time you take a walk, eat a real meal, or sit quietly with your thoughts, you’re proving that voice wrong.

One day at a time

Self-care isn’t glamorous. It’s not bubble baths and spa days—it’s the daily, boring, essential work of keeping yourself steady. And it’s not a one-time fix. It grows and changes as you do.

If you’re in early sobriety, make space for it now. Don’t wait. Taking care of yourself doesn’t take away from your family or responsibilities—it strengthens your ability to show up for them.

Your recovery is worth that.

You are worth that.

Do you struggle to make time for self-care? What works for you, and what do you find hardest to keep up with? Hit reply—I’d love to hear from you.

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Thank you for reading: “Self-Care in Sobriety: More Than Just ‘Pampering’.”

Take care of yourself and your family,

Roscoe | Alcohol Free Fathers

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Please check out the last post: Why Support Groups Matter (Especially for Fathers in Sobriety).

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This man-made world is corrupt. Systems created to work against you.

One rule for one.

Under attack.

Minds turned to mush. Dumbed down by digital distractions. Bodies battered by processed foods. Killed slowly by sedentary lifestyles.

Souls dragged into darkness by debauchery.

Spirits strangled by addictions.

Forced to do things that cause conflict deep inside. Force-fed injustice. Degeneracy in plain sight. Beaten to death by blatant dishonesty.

Cattle. Sheep. Servants. Slaves.

You must save yourself.

Embrace the light as often as possible. Find your happy place. Your zen. Your peace.

Love. Family. Nature.

Opt out of the modern world. Escape the matrix. Save your mind, body, soul and spirit.

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Thanks for reading,

Roscoe | Rápido Reads

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When you log into X or whatever social media site you use, does it feel like you have to wade through a sea of shit before you get to anything you like or are interested in seeing/reading? There’s just so much unnecessary noise nowadays! And the problem with noise is that when the volume gets turned up, you end up making more noise to be heard. This is where the world appears to be at the moment - whoever shouts the loudest is the one most likely to be heard.

And while the decibels increase, the quality of what we have to listen to decreases. More noise apparently equals more nonsense. Everything is so irrelevant and irritating. Fight vids, choreographed skits, ultimate fail vids, people pointing & making faces at other people’s videos; it’s all bullshit. It drives me crazy.

Plus, EVERYBODY seems to be filming themselves doing EVERYTHING!

The problem is that when all this noise gets ramped up, your mind pays the price. It gets cluttered with the content and creates chaos. Your mind shouldn’t be exposed to all these things. I hate to think about the amount of unnecessary, useless things we subject our brains to on a daily basis.

This isn’t necessarily a rant about social media either, because the fact is, there are so many other things your brain has to process that are doing it no good. In my opinion, once your brain begins to function at a lower level, it turns to these more basic solutions for stimulation. It’s used to being fed this nonsense, so it craves it!

The damage all this technology has done is baffling. I do not doubt that mental health issues have worsened because of the unyielding barrage of BS our brains are forced to endure regularly. I know I’ve suffered because of it.

Take porn, for instance. I’ve written numerous articles about the damage it does to the brain. And yet it’s still so prevalent in many people’s lives.

A study by Kühn & Gallinat (2014) found that men who watched more pornography had less grey matter in the brain’s reward centre—the striatum—indicating a reduction in natural pleasure response. This means less sensitivity to pleasure and more difficulty finding satisfaction in everyday life and relationships.

- Watching Porn Can Make You Go Blind

Addiction to social media, porn, TV, video games, gaming apps, and gambling all stems from needing to fill a void. These distractions from daily life are killing us. They are taking away the true essence of who we are. They are dumbing us down and trapping us into a never-ending cycle of shit!

I’m ashamed to admit it, but the BS conquered me the other day, and it cost me. Instead of being at a certain place at a certain time, I was late because I got stuck in a never-ending loop of YT Shorts. It was totally embarrassing and really unlike me because I like to be early to things, especially if I’ve given my word that I’d be somewhere at a set time.

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It showed me that I’m not operating at a high level at the moment. Instead of seeking out things to inspire, I was seduced by surface-level nonsense. It made me worry for my son and future generations because these digital distractions are only going to get more powerful. They are only going to get more alluring, too. As I said at the beginning of this post, people will not only be watching all this shit, but they will also decide that they can do it too, and will be filming themselves constantly.

Mobile games will get more and more addictive with dopamine rewards, video games, with the advancement of VR, will get more and more addictive as they get more and more realistic, porn will soon be at a stage where every fantasy will literally be at your touch and social media will be a cesspool of self-righteous and self-serving idiots who spend their lives glued to their screens, making more and more incessant noise.

I am sick of it. I can’t stand it.

I recently posted that I was closing in on 7 and a half years of sobriety, which genuinely makes me happy—but it even annoys me that I wrote that! I’m just adding to the noise. Granted, it’s positive noise, but still! Even posting a link to the other newsletters I write has urked me today, but here you go anyway!

I’m not a fan of the way things are heading, and I have to admit, it worries me. I don’t want my son to get caught up in this BS. I think we’ve done a good job of protecting him and navigating this type of thing, but as he gets older, of course, it worries me.

The last thing we dealt with, and we did a great job of overcoming it, even if I say so myself, was the recent craze of “Italian Brain Rot” videos that swept the school. Our children, and we as parents, shouldn’t have to be dealing with this shit, but unfortunately, it’s going to continue—all so YouTube “creators” can make money trying to rot our kids’ brains. Fucking ridiculous!

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I know I’ve been all over the place with this rant, but it’s hard for me to put into words the feelings I get when I see the state of the world right now. Beyond the surface, it feels dark and sinister, yet all conveyed as innocent fun—if that makes sense?

Do you feel the same? Maybe you’re better at putting these feelings into words…if so, I’d love to hear from you.

This is a subject I will continue with at a later date. Below, I’ve linked to other articles touching on this theme. Please check them out :)

Leave a comment

Thank you for reading: “Brains Battered by BS.”

Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:

• Protect Your Mental Health

• Social Media, Control and Scaremongering

• The Porn Trap: Strategies to Reclaim Your Life

Please check out the last post: “Don't Make My Mistakes: The Power of Passions, Skills and Knowledge.”

And 💜 and Restack this post on the Substack app.

Get more from Roscoe in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

Get the app

Take care,

Roscoe | Birth of Clarity

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Much like exercise stimulates the body, deep discussions awaken the mind.

Meaningful conversations spark thoughts and emotions, stirring ideas and generating positive energy.

Isolated with a cluttered mind, a man can go crazy. Genuine connections provide relief from the insanity of the modern world.

A world where many men have become addicted to meaningless distractions. Lost and helplessly confused. Thankfully, interesting interactions conquer all.

When a genuine intent to learn is injected into a meeting of the minds, digital nonsense loses every time to connections that go beyond the surface.

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Thanks for reading,

Roscoe | Rápido Reads

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As promised, I’ve started moving my old AFFathers articles here under the Birth of Clarity umbrella. Some are getting a fresh coat of paint, some are being rethought entirely. This one falls in the middle—it’s an update of an older piece, but with new reflections added in.

For reference:

Last year, I wrote about going back to AA after years away. That decision didn’t come easily. I’d convinced myself I was fine on my own, that I didn’t “need” meetings anymore. But I was wrong. I was slipping into old thought patterns, drowning in isolation, and pretending everything was okay while the darkness crept closer.

Walking back into that room was humbling. But it reminded me of something I’d forgotten: we don’t do this alone.

That’s why support groups are so important—especially for fathers in sobriety. They’re more than just a meeting on the calendar. They’re lifelines. Here’s why they matter:

1. A safe space

In a support group, you can drop the mask. You can talk about the anger, the shame, the slip-ups, the wins—without the fear of being judged. Sometimes just saying something out loud to men who get it is enough to loosen the grip of those heavy thoughts.

2. Connection

Addiction isolates us. Fatherhood can too. Support groups give us a place to connect with others who know what it’s like to carry both burdens. Hearing another dad’s story—how he fought through a craving, how he showed up for his kids despite his doubts—can spark hope in your own journey.

3. Accountability

Sobriety doesn’t last on autopilot. Having other men who know your story, who are rooting for you, and who will notice if you drift—it keeps you honest. It’s a lot harder to justify that “one drink won’t hurt” when you know you’ll be sitting in a circle later, looking men in the eye.

4. Self-awareness

Support groups aren’t just about talking; they’re about listening. And when you listen, you start to see your own triggers and patterns reflected in someone else’s story. That awareness builds over time, and it’s often the difference between relapse and resilience.

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5. Breaking isolation

Isolation is dangerous. It’s where old thoughts creep back in and whisper lies. Support groups pull you out of that cave. They remind you that you’re not crazy, not weak, not alone—you’re human, and you’re fighting something real.

6. Brotherhood

There’s something powerful about sitting in a room full of fathers who’ve faced the same chaos and chosen a different way. Over time, it stops feeling like a meeting and starts feeling like a brotherhood. That sense of belonging is priceless.

7. Long-term recovery

Sobriety isn’t a sprint; it’s a lifelong practice. Support groups give you the consistency, the check-ins, the perspective you need to stay the course—not just for yourself, but for your kids and the generations coming after you.

Fatherhood in sobriety is hard, but it doesn’t have to be lonely

Support groups aren’t a one-size-fits-all solution, and they’re not a replacement for therapy or medical help. But they are one of the most powerful tools a father in recovery can have.

If you’re walking this road, I can’t encourage you enough: find a group that works for you. Try different ones if you have to. Keep showing up.

Because fatherhood in sobriety is hard, but it doesn’t have to be lonely. And the men who sit in those rooms with you may just end up being the lifeline you didn’t know you needed.

If there is anything you would like to add about the issues highlighted above, or if something in this article resonated with you, please leave me a comment:

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Thank you for reading: “Why Support Groups Matter (Especially for Fathers in Sobriety).”

Take care of yourself and your family,

Roscoe | Alcohol Free Fathers

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I always find myself writing about my failures rather than my successes. I think it’s because I view my life with regret.

I don’t have any standout skills.

I can’t say I have a passion that drives me.

I’m not deeply knowledgeable in anything.

That’s the truth — and it’s not something I’m proud of.

I’ve reached a point in my life where I can see how much this has cost me. Opportunities have passed me by. My choices have been limited, or more likely, I’ve made the wrong choices. But perhaps worst of all, I’ve spent too much time feeling like I’ve been drifting, rather than living with purpose.

I don’t want anyone, especially the younger generation, to end up here. And I want my own son to know there’s a better way to live.

The danger of drifting through life

When you’re young, it’s easy to think you have endless time. You can always “figure it out later.” But the truth is, life moves quickly. The years you spend without learning or exploring are years you don’t get back.

Drifting feels safe in the moment — you don’t take risks, you don’t push yourself, and you avoid the discomfort of failure. But over time, drifting is far riskier than trying and failing.

When you don’t develop skills, passions, or knowledge, you slowly become trapped:

• Trapped in jobs you don’t enjoy because you have no better options.

• Trapped in routines that feel empty because nothing excites you.

• Trapped in uncertainty because you have nothing to fall back on if life changes.

While I’m not the best at following my own advice, I feel that because I’ve lived a life full of regrets, fear, and failures, I’m at least qualified to give an overview of the things that would improve your life.

1. Skills are freedom

Skills are like tools in a toolbox. The more you have, the more problems you can solve and the more opportunities you can seize.

A skill can be anything from cooking to coding, from public speaking to carpentry. It doesn’t matter whether it’s practical, creative, or technical — every skill makes you more capable and confident.

Without skills, you’re at the mercy of circumstances. If you lose your job, if the industry changes, or if you want to switch careers, you have little to offer. With skills, you can adapt.

And here’s the thing: you don’t know which skill will change your life. Sometimes, the one you least expect becomes the most valuable.

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2. Passions give life meaning

A passion is something you care about so much that you willingly give your time and energy to it. It’s the thing that gets you excited to wake up in the morning.

If you don’t have a passion, life can feel flat — like you’re just going through the motions.

But passions don’t usually fall into your lap. You have to try different things to find them. And you might have more than one over the course of your life.

Some passions turn into careers. Others remain hobbies. Both are important because they give your life colour, joy, and direction.

3. Knowledge is security

Knowledge protects you. It makes you harder to exploit, easier to trust, and better equipped to navigate the world.

And it’s not just about specialising in one thing. In today’s world, being knowledgeable in multiple areas makes you more adaptable and creative.

You don’t need to become a scholar — but you should always be learning. Read books, take courses, ask questions, seek mentors. The more you learn, the more you connect ideas, see opportunities, and make better decisions.

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Why you should start now

The best time to start building skills, finding passions, and gaining knowledge is when you’re young. That’s when you have the most time, the most energy, and the least responsibility weighing you down.

But the second-best time is now.

Even if you feel behind, you can still change your direction. The key is to start small and keep going.

• Pick a skill and practice it for 30 minutes a day.

• Try a new activity every month until something sparks your interest.

• Read about topics you know nothing about.

• Surround yourself with people who are curious, passionate, and driven.

The regret you want to avoid

I’m not saying you have to become world-class in ten different fields. You don’t need to have a single burning passion that defines your entire life.

But you do need something.

Because one day, you’ll look back — and you’ll either see a life full of things you tried, learned, and loved… or you’ll see time you can’t get back.

And trust me, regret is a heavy thing to carry.

So, I implore you not to drift through life waiting for purpose to find you. Build it yourself. Learn skills, chase passions, and grow your knowledge.

The greatest regret isn’t failure — it’s never trying at all.

If anything in this article resonated with you or you have any questions, then I would LOVE to hear from you:

Leave a comment

Thank you for reading: “Don't Make My Mistakes: The Power of Passions, Skills and Knowledge.”

Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:

• Future Fears and Past Regrets

• I'm in Need of a Total Reset... But How?

• Flashback: 6 Things to Do to Better Yourself

Please check out the last post: “One Roof, Many Rooms: What’s Next for Birth of Clarity.”

And 💜 and Restack this post on the Substack app.

Get more from Roscoe in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

Get the app

Take care,

Roscoe | Birth of Clarity

Subscribe now

If you can’t commit to a monthly subscription but still want to support my writing, please click the image below to make a small donation:

For those new here, I’ve been writing online since 2019. Over the years, I’ve launched numerous projects and newsletters, some of which have been successful, while others have not.

It’s all part of the journey!

However, as I continue to evolve, I keep returning to the need to declutter. To free myself from unnecessary stress. To streamline.

As I wrote in the last post, I’ve not been very good at sitting down to write recently. I’ve not been able to strike the best balance between work and doing the things I enjoy—like writing. And this is something I want to improve on!

If you’re keeping count, I currently write three newsletters—AFFathers, 1 Min Max and Birth of Clarity. Until last year, I wrote the Find Your Tribe newsletter, which in its heyday featured articles from me and other authors tackling men's mental health issues.

But as I get ready to launch my new idea—Roscoe’s Routes—a soon-to-launch space for hikes, photos, and stories from my life on the move—I’m at the stage now where I want everything in one place. So, while each one has had its own address, its own rhythm, they’ve always been part of the same bigger journey.

So I’ve decided to bring everything together under one roof:
📍 www.birthofclarity.com

This newsletter has always been my place to explore what it means to conquer the chaos within and unlock potential—from addiction and fatherhood to freedom, reflection, and more.

So, the main feed will continue to be what it’s always been: personal, raw, and a bit all over the place (in the best way). That won’t change.

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But now, thanks to Substack’s Sections feature, you’ll also see more focused spaces inside the publication:

🔹 Sections inside Birth of Clarity:

• AFFathers → Fatherhood without alcohol. Honest reflections, stories, and hard-earned lessons.

• Rápido Reads → Short reads, big ideas. Because sometimes a minute is all you need. (Formerly 1 Min Max).

• Roscoe’s Routes → Launching soon. A window into my hikes, adventures, and everyday escapes—with stories and snapshots to match.

Each section will have its own tab on the site. New subscribers will be auto‑subscribed to each section, while current subscribers will also get the full feed unless you opt out.

No need to resubscribe. If you’re already here, you’re all set.

I will be rolling out each section throughout August. Articles from their respective sites (1 Min Max & AFFathers) will be copied across to start with.

Some of the AFFathers articles will contain new content—so keep an eye out!

Once everything has been successfully moved across, new posts will then be added to each section, including articles for the upcoming Roscoe’s Routes.

Thank you again for reading, sharing, and supporting my work. I’m excited about this next phase—and I appreciate you for being part of this growing, shifting, evolving journey.

If you have any questions or suggestions regarding this decision, then I would LOVE to hear from you:

Leave a comment

Thank you for reading: “One Roof, Many Rooms: What’s Next for Birth of Clarity.”

Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:

• Writing Legacy

• Out With The New, In With The Old

• Escape the Matrix: Breaking Free from a World Designed to Hold You Back

Please check out the last post: “I'm in Need of a Total Reset... But How?”

And 💜 and Restack this post on the Substack app.

Get more from Roscoe in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

Get the app

Take care,

Roscoe | Birth of Clarity

Subscribe now

If you can’t commit to a monthly subscription but still want to support my writing, please click the image below to make a small donation:

It’s been a while since I sat down to write anything. To be honest, it’s the first time in a long time that I’ve even thought about putting words to a page. My thoughts have been so far removed from writing, so preoccupied, that this feels a little foreign to me.

Anyway, these extended breaks from writing always coincide with me starting a new job. Apparently, I’m not very good at sticking to things I enjoy when I begin a new “career”. As long-time followers will probably notice, I’ve not posted any pics from my early morning walks and swims for MONTHS- that’s because I’ve not been walking or swimming for months.

I’ve fallen into the same trap AGAIN. One I’ve sworn numerous times I’d never fall into again. I bet, somewhere in the archives, I’ve probably even vowed I’d never stop writing or looking after myself because of a new job! Alas, here we are again - fatter, stressed, depressed and probably about to make the same damn vow…!

When I start a new job, I find that it becomes my whole world. I forget about all the previous things I enjoyed, things that kept me healthy and sane. And I solely focus on my new career path. Yes, it’s good to put effort into a new role - and for me, a new industry - and to do the best you can to learn the job inside out. But for me, this always seems to come at a price. I always seem to allow myself to become alienated from something(s) I previously found rewarding. I always seem to let it affect me in some way, usually to the detriment of my health and sanity.

And that’s what has happened again!

Sales

I’ve gotten so stressed that I’ve made myself sick. I’ve gotten so stressed that I’ve made myself worse at my job to the point where I can feel the noose tightening. I’ve gotten so stressed that I’ve made myself forget about the joys of life.

The funny thing is, I wouldn’t say my job is that stressful. It's a completely different industry for me, and it’s made me feel WAY out of my comfort zone. And instead of embracing the discomfort, rising to the challenge and fighting to succeed, I’ve only managed to let the discomfort negatively dictate my life.

Whereas my last job was writing, this job has me talking and selling - neither of which are strong points for me! And while I’ve tried to get better at it, I’ve allowed my old worries and fears to creep up and attack.

Speaking of old, this job has finally exposed something else I’ve worried about, my age! I’m finally starting to feel my age. I’m not young anymore.

For some reason, I thought being a little older than most of the office would be an advantage. I thought being a “wiser” head would work in my favour, but it has strangely proved my downfall.

The years of life experience over my younger colleagues obviously means I have certain knowledge they don’t, but as in my case, they’ve not been exposed to the trauma and bullshit I have. I’ve seen and experienced some things they haven’t, and I hope they won’t.

I’ve also developed, through extra years on this planet, some bad habits and unhealthy behaviours that I find hard to shake.

While my self-sabotaging tendencies have reared their ugly head.

Reset

The title of this article reflects my desire to reset my life… while acknowledging the fact, I don’t know how to go about it or if I even have the strength to!

Outside of having a son and getting sober, my life has been pretty mediocre, if I’m being honest. It’s sad to write, but it’s the truth. I know I’m my own worst enemy. I also know that I have to change. But I’m not sure if I can.

I’ve been doing the same damaging things for years and years now. I’ve retreated back into the same bad habits (aside from drinking) so many times. I’ve found myself engulfed in the same damaging work-life balance again and again and again. And still I haven’t learned.

I find myself making the same mistakes at work that I’m making in my personal life. It’s like a never-ending cycle. I’ve been doing the same shit for decades. They say stupidity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results. Well, call me stupid because I’ve been doing this same song and dance for YEARS.

Have I had some good times along the way? Of course. But that doesn’t mean I’m not sick and tired of ending up back at the same place every few years.

Vow?

This is where I normally, predictably, write a vow to myself not to fall into this trap again. I’d write a list of how I’m going to break out of the cage I’ve locked myself in. I’d give you some inspirational words of advice so you don’t make the same mistakes I have.

But I’m not going to this time.

I think it’s pretty self-explanatory. I’ve laid it out as it is. I’m sure you’re wiser than I and will avoid the trap.

As for me, I have a lot of work to do. That is evident.

Keeping my job is high on my list of priorities at the moment, but finding time to pursue the things I enjoy is far and away at the top. It is the foundation on which I should’ve been building. Instead, I’ve been building upside down. AGAIN. And it’s gotten me the same results, AGAIN.

Will I ever learn? I hope so. Eventually. In the meantime, I know I’ve got some important things to focus on and resolve.

Getting this off my chest will certainly help. It always does. It’s just that I need to ride the wave of clarity for longer than I normally do. How do people commit to complete change for the rest of their lives? How do people turn things around when their life looks so bleak?

As I noted earlier, giving up alcohol has been one of my biggest ever accomplishments. The fact that I’ve been sober for over 7 years is a miracle to me. I guess that should highlight that significant changes in my life are possible, but for some reason, I cannot ever make these other things stick. I got healthy over the winter period with my walks and swims, but I let those habits go as soon as I started my new job. I gave up writing as soon as I started this new job. The only thing that has remained is my sobriety, showing up for my son and reading. I’ve successfully been keeping up with my book intake, and I look set for my best ever amount of books read.

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That’s it, though. My sobriety, the number of books I’ve read so far this year and the fact I haven’t lost my job, yet. I’ve also played more football (soccer) with my son this year, but even that has succumbed to the heat of the summer.

Basically, this is a plea to myself to FINALLY make the changes necessary in order to live the life I want. One that’s free from FEAR, STRESS and ANGER. One that’s PRODUCTIVE, MEANINGFUL and FULFILLING. One that steers clear of the same trappings I seem to fall prey to year after year. One where I learn from my mistakes and plot a course to happiness. One where I actually DEAL WITH the unresolved issues from my drinking days and the loss of my mum. One where I step up as a parent and provide a solid foundation on which my son can grow.

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Jota

As a quick aside, I just wanted to reference the death of Liverpool player Diogo Jota. This has affected me more than I thought. I didn’t know him personally, but his death came as a shock. He was only 28. He had a wife and three young children. Parents who loved him and his brother. It’s heartbreaking. I cannot stop thinking about all the time his kids must have been waiting for him to come through the door after a game, and now that will never happen. I watched him play for so many years. I saw his smile and the way he interacted with his teammates, and it breaks my heart to think he won’t be playing again. Not sure why it hit me so hard, but it did. RIP Diogo.

Thank you

I’m not sure what I hope to accomplish with this post. Hopefully, something resonates with someone and inspires them to make changes to their own life… and stick to them! I guess that by sitting down to write, I’ve exercised that demon. I’ve got that monkey of my back, so to speak. Now I hope to kick on and make the positive changes to my life that I know I can - and sustain them - because I don’t want to be writing this kind of thing again.

I have to say, I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed putting out my words for people to read. I’ve missed allowing my thoughts spill out onto a page. I know I’ve lost a huge amount of my “audience” due to these extended breaks over the years, but I’ve also retained some awesome people since I began writing back in 2019. I guess my one hope from this article is that someone messages to tell me to get back on the horse and keep going. Keep showing up. Keep writing. Start making healthier choices. Start looking after your body and mind. Start being the father you know you can. Or maybe I just needed to write this for me today. Either way, it has been nice.

I appreciate all of you who have stuck with me over the years, and to those who have recently joined me. My writing isn’t always like this… or maybe it is… One thing is for certain; this is me. From the heart. Raw. Flawed. Looking for consistency. Looking for happiness. Searching for joy. Sober. Father. Husband. Old! Trying to live in the moment and stop living in fear. I’m a work in progress. Thank you for following my journey.

If anything in this article resonated with you or you have any questions, then I would LOVE to hear from you:

Leave a comment

Thank you for reading: “I'm in Need of a Total Reset... But How?”

Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:

• Resident of a Town Called Self-Loathing

• Nature, Nourish and Nurture: A Mental Health Reset

• Escape the Matrix: Breaking Free from a World Designed to Hold You Back

Please check out the last post: “Watching Porn Can Make You Go Blind!”

And 💜 and Restack this post on the Substack app.

Get more from Roscoe in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

Get the app

Take care,

Roscoe | Birth of Clarity

Subscribe now

If you can’t commit to a monthly subscription but still want to support my writing, please click the image below to make a small donation:

Did you know that watching porn can make you go blind?

Studies show that people exposed to excessive amounts of pornography are more likely to lose their sight…

Are you able to read this?

I’m kidding, of course—but, for a moment, I bet you were a little concerned.

Maybe the hours you’ve spent watching porn or sexually explicit content made you wonder: “Has it really had that kind of effect on me?”

Well, while porn won’t send you to the optician, it will have an effect on you. A significant one.

Porn rewires your brain

Regular exposure to pornography affects the brain. It spikes dopamine—the feel-good chemical—and over time, your brain starts to crave those easy hits of pleasure. But there's a price. Research shows that excessive porn use can lead to real changes in brain structure and function.

A study by Kühn & Gallinat (2014) found that men who watched more pornography had less grey matter in the brain’s reward centre—the striatum—indicating a reduction in natural pleasure response. This means less sensitivity to pleasure and more difficulty finding satisfaction in everyday life and relationships.

Porn-induced dopamine surges can desensitise the brain, much like a drug addiction. This leads to the need for more extreme content to get the same high. It’s not uncommon for someone to start with relatively tame material and, over time, find themselves seeking out more graphic, sometimes even disturbing content just to feel the same level of arousal.

Real-life intimacy begins to feel dull, emotionally flat, or even stressful. Many users report erectile dysfunction, loss of interest in partners, or a growing emotional disconnect. The term “porn-induced erectile dysfunction” (PIED) is now recognised in addiction recovery circles and increasingly studied by health professionals.

How it affects real-world behaviour

Porn doesn’t just change the way you think about sex—it can shape how you see the world, other people, and yourself. It subtly shifts your perception of what’s normal, desirable, and real.

For starters, excessive porn use often leads to isolation. Time spent consuming porn is time spent away from people. Social invitations get declined. Moments with partners, friends, and even children are traded for time in front of a screen. This digital retreat fosters loneliness, which ironically fuels the very habit causing it.

Then there’s the impact on your view of others. Studies from the Journal of Sex Research have found that frequent porn users are more likely to objectify people, particularly women. When porn becomes a primary sexual outlet, it teaches the brain to associate arousal not with intimacy or emotional connection—but with domination, performance, and fantasy. Over time, this can make it harder to relate to real people in a healthy, respectful way.

You may find yourself lusting after pixels instead of appreciating the real people in your life. It’s not just what you want—it’s how you want. Unrealistic expectations creep in. Partners become comparisons, not companions. And that leads to disappointment, disconnection, and dissatisfaction.

Sleep suffers too. Night-time viewing disrupts rest, reducing REM sleep—the kind your brain needs to recover emotionally and cognitively. This compounds mental fog, irritability, and decision fatigue.

There’s also the way porn changes how we interact with all media. Content that used to stimulate or entertain—films, books, conversations—can feel bland. Your brain has been conditioned for instant, high-intensity stimulation. Slower forms of joy and meaning struggle to compete.

And worst of all is the escalation. You start off watching something mild. Then it gets dull. Then you push boundaries. Then even that’s not enough. It’s the digital equivalent of boiling a frog—slow, subtle, deadly.

You’re not chasing pleasure. You’re running from numbness.

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The Ted Bundy connection

Some years ago, I watched Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile and later the Ted Bundy Tapes on Netflix. What Bundy did was unspeakable. But what stuck with me wasn’t just the crimes—it was what he said about porn.

In his final interview with Dr. James Dobson, just hours before his execution, Bundy said:

“I’ve lived in prison for a long time now, and I’ve met a lot of men who were motivated to commit violence just like me... without exception, every one of them was deeply involved with pornography.”

Let’s be clear—watching porn doesn’t turn you into a serial killer. But Bundy described a progression: starting from so-called harmless material to violent extremes. And if we’re being honest, many people recognise that same slippery slope in their own usage.

As he said:

"Like an addiction, you keep craving something which is harder, something which gives you a greater sense of excitement, until you reach the point where pornography only goes so far... that jumping-off point where you begin to wonder if maybe actually doing it will give you that which is beyond just reading it or looking at it.”

It’s chilling. But it’s also revealing.

Many prisoners in the same facility reportedly echoed similar stories: exposure from a young age, escalating usage, and a growing desensitisation to violence and objectification. Again—most porn users will never act out violently. But the mental spiral? That’s real. And for many, it starts young.

Have you ever asked yourself…

• Have I ever felt like porn has taken over my life?

• Do I keep escalating what I watch to get the same feeling?

• Have I ever tried to stop, only to find myself pulled back in?

• Do I feel disconnected or unsatisfied in my real-life relationships?

• Am I avoiding emotional vulnerability by numbing myself with digital pleasure?

If so, you’re not alone. And you’re not beyond hope.

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What you can do

Quitting porn isn’t easy. But it is possible. And it starts by letting your brain breathe.

That means giving your mind space to recover. To reconnect with reality. To feel pleasure from real, human moments—not just pixels and dopamine hits.

It also means rewiring your habits. Replace screen time with real-life connection. Start exercising, journalling, talking to people, or pursuing hobbies that enrich you. Reconnect with your family. Show up for your children—not just physically, but emotionally. Model the kind of integrity, presence, and focus you want them to emulate.

It will feel awkward at first. Your brain will protest. You’ll crave the easy high. But with consistency, your mind will start to heal. Your emotions will return. Your ability to focus, connect, and care will come back.

There are online support communities, accountability apps, therapy, and resources that can help. But none of them will matter until you decide it’s time to take control.

Support & recovery resources:

• NoFap Community –

https://www.nofap.com

• Reboot Nation –

https://www.rebootnation.org

• Fortify Program –

https://joinfortify.com

Final thought

Porn won’t steal your eyesight, but it will steal your insight. It clouds your judgement, dulls your senses, and reshapes how you see the world—not through your eyes, but through your cravings.

It’s not just about what you’re watching. It’s about what you’re missing.

The hours lost. The intimacy avoided. The goals abandoned. The energy drained. All sacrificed at the altar of instant gratification.

And for what? A few fleeting seconds of digital pleasure that vanish the moment the screen goes dark.

Porn promises connection but delivers loneliness. It offers relief but creates restlessness. It feels like freedom—but it’s a cage, cleverly disguised.

You won’t go blind. But you might go numb. You might lose sight of who you are. And if you're not careful, you might look up one day and not recognise the person staring back at you in the mirror.

But if you’re reading this, it means you’re not blind yet.

You see what’s happening.

And now… you can choose to do something about it.

Ready to quit?

If you’re serious about breaking free from porn and reclaiming your focus, confidence, and energy—check out Joseph’s Sexual Energy Mastery course. It’s a step-by-step programme designed to help you reset your mind, beat cravings, and build a life you’re proud of. No fluff, no shame—just tools that actually work.

Your future isn’t on a screen. It starts with you.

Click the link below to take the first step:

Help Me!

If anything in this article resonated with you or you have any questions, then I would LOVE to hear from you:

Leave a comment

Thank you for reading: “Watching Porn Can Make You Go Blind!”

Before you go, here are some useful articles related to today’s post:

• Man vs Addiction

• Digital Consumption Dilemma

• Become a Warrior Against the Era of Temptation

Please check out the last post: “Escape the Matrix: Breaking Free from a World Designed to Hold You Back.”

And 💜 and Restack this post on the Substack app.

Get more from Roscoe in the Substack app

Available for iOS and Android

Get the app

Take care,

Roscoe | Birth of Clarity

Subscribe now

If you can’t commit to a monthly subscription but still want to support my writing, please click the image below to make a small donation: